embarkation | open smut meme

She often wonders how things would have been different if they hadn't broken up that first time. If he hadn't run away, and they had time to figure things out. On one hand, she feels like they wasted so much time dancing around each other but, on the other hand, she wonders if things were better in the order that they happened. She was forced to accept him before she could be with him and while, for her, it may have been the same process, it wasn't for him. She knows Lucifer would have always just been waiting for her to find out the truth. And, with that, he would have always just been waiting for her to run.

"I never want to leave you, either," she murmurs. Chloe finally shifts under him, readjusting herself to be a little more comfortable but not moving away. "Do you think..." She sighs, her fingers drifting gently down his arm. "Do you think there will ever be a way that you could come back?"

He had wanted her, from the start, to know the truth about him, because if she hadn't then he would always have been wondering if it would have made a difference. If she could have accepted him for who he truly is, which is something he'd come to realize that he wanted.

And it had been torment not knowing if he'd get it from the one person whose acceptance mattered the most.

"I don't know," he admits before adjusting so that he's more next to her than on top of her. He hadn't had time to look in to that aspect of it before he'd returned. He'd only been able to recognize that the prophecy had come true, and he had to do something to keep everyone safe.

"If there is one, I'll find it. I won't stop looking until I do."

She nods, propping her cheek on her hand so she can look at him. It's the best that he can do, and she knows she can't ask any more of him than that. He had to leave her, and as much as it killed her, she understood why.

"I never got the chance to tell you but..." Chloe sighs a little, letting her hand slide up his arm to cup his cheek gently, her thumb passing gently over his skin. "What you did to protect me and Charlie, and Linda and Amenadiel... You're a good person, Lucifer. You know that by now, right?"

He knows what she thinks, and what she's expecting him to say. And even though he wants to forgive himself for things he's done, it's not that easy. Six thousand years of torturing souls is a lot to overcome.

He can't look directly at her now. "You know the things I've done."

She doesn't stop looking away from him, continuing to pet him tenderly. Chloe had hoped for a different answer, but she's not surprised by what he said.

"I do," she says, because he's forgetting all the good he's done, too. But she hasn't. "Do you think I'm a good person?"

"Of course you are." He's never had any doubt of that, or of where she'll end up when she dies (which she will, because she's mortal, he reminds himself). She's one of the best people he knows.

That answer she isn't surprised by, either. She ducks her head slightly, trying to make him look at her. While she isn't quite as convinced as he is that she'll go to Heaven, that isn't really the point.

"If I'm so good, why would I love someone who isn't?"

"I..." He doesn't know. Her argument makes sense, but...he's not the person she thinks he is. He might have gotten his angel wings back, but he also ended up with a new form, even more monstrous than his face, and it's still there. If he were a good man, then where did that come from?

"No one ever has before. I don't know how it works."

She'd have a few theories about that herself. Maybe because it will always be a part of who he is. Maybe it's because he has to accept all of himself, just like she did. He'll always be an angel and the Devil. Perhaps the key wasn't forgetting about one or the other, but finding some kind of balance.

Chloe isn't blind to who he was. But she's not blind to who he is, either.

"Neither do I," she admits. She is the Devil's first love, after all. She doesn't really know how to deal with that, either. "But I think you should give yourself more credit anyway."

"For one thing I did?" He knows how it works. It is different for him, of course, being who he is, but he also knows where he'll end up if he dies for real, and not just because he's banned from Heaven.

"You really think going back to Hell to protect Charlie is the only good thing you've done?"

Maybe, in the grand scheme of things, it's the biggest good thing he's done. And maybe a lot of the good he has done as been a little self-serving or, at best, accidental. Of course, Chloe can't ignore the bad things he's done either; even if he hadn't chosen to run Hell, he had embraced the role. He did things on Earth she couldn't condone, hurt people who in the grand scheme of things may have deserved it, but it wasn't the right way. The thing is, she also knew he, deep down somewhere, knew it wasn't the right way, either.

But they were very alike, in that way. Constantly trying to figure out who they were, and where they fit in. She might not understand everything about Lucifer, but she does understand what it feels like to not know where you belong.

"There's a lot more to it than that, Lucifer. You just need to learn how to see it."

"I don't know how." It's not the first time he's admitted that to her. They're brushing up on the same topic again, his ability to forgive himself. He's not sure he deserves it, after everything he's done.

"I know you don't agree with me, but I am the Devil."

"It's not about agreeing or disagreeing, Lucifer."

He's missing the point like he always does. Chloe drops her head onto the pillow, trying to peer at him in the shadows as if the darkness might somehow help her see him better.

"You are the Devil. You've been the Devil for a long time and I-- I don't know, maybe, maybe you'll always be the Devil. It's what you are but it doesn't have to be who you are."

Well now that's confusing. He is who he is and he doesn't know how he can be anything else.

"Of course I'll always be the Devil. I'm not allowed back in to Heaven." It's that simple, really. "That makes no sense. The Devil is who I am."

"No," she counters, stretching out the 'o' a little longer than necessary as if she's chastizing Trixie and not a full-grown immortal man. For how long Lucifer has been around, he hasn't seemed to have gleaned much from what he's learned. Granted, Hell probably wasn't a great place for a lot of self-reflection.

"The Devil is just a title in the long run. Just something people learned to call you so they had someone to take credit for all the bad things they've done. So they had someone to blame other than themselves." It's clear she's been giving a lot of thought to this, puzzling it all out in her mind over time, doing her best to make sense of it all.

She runs her hand gently down his arm, her tone softening. "But at the end of the day, you're just... Lucifer. And I don't mean just to me. I mean to everyone who knows you. And you're the only one who gets to decide who that actually is."

Okay. This is starting to make sense. He's said similar things himself. He'd settled in Los Angeles for similar reasons. He had wanted to be his own person, instead of the person his father wanted him to be.

"I don't know who that is."

She finally smiles, pulling him close to her and pressing her lips against his. Chloe isn't sure who she is a lot of the time, either. But she's here for him, for what's worth.

"You'll figure it out."

He's not sure what just happened here but he earned himself a kiss, so he'll take it.

"How do you know?"

"I don't. But I'd like to think you will. But until then, I'm here, okay? And I'm not going anywhere."

Maybe that's the most helpful thing she can say, or the most important. They've been through enough. Someday, maybe he'll trust that there is nothing he can do that would scare her away from him.

"Why?" Everyone important in his life has turned their back on him at one point or another, mostly all at the same time. It's what he's come to expect by now. So what is it about him that has her so determined to stay?

It's such a stupid question, but she can't blame him for asking. Chloe knows everyone he's ever loved has left him, and those that have stuck around did so because they wanted him to be something he wasn't. She was just as guilty of that as anyone else.

But it also wasn't entirely the truth. Maze and Amenadiel had stuck with him, watched him change and grow just as Chloe had. Linda had, too. One day, maybe, he'd be able to see that.

"Because I love you," she tells him. "And love is about compromise. It's about accepting someone for everything they are and bringing out the best in each other. It's about staying, even when it's hard to."

Sure, none of that worked with Dan, but maybe it wasn't supposed to. And Chloe knew what they had wasn't fixable, even more so after she met Lucifer. He'd always had her heart, in one way or another, and part of her always knew it. She has no intention of leaving that behind.

"No one's ever told me that before." Not even the people who should have cared the most. And that's part of the reason he's sure of where she belongs when she dies: she cares, not just about him but in general, and she's not afraid to make that known. She's the most selfless person he knows.

"I didn't know I wanted someone to tell me that until you did."

"I can't believe you've been alive for thousands of years and no one has ever told you that," she admits. It's no wonder he's so bitter about his family. How was he supposed to know how to love them when he never felt loved in the first place?

She shifts again, enough to lay her head on his chest, her cheek pressed against his skin.

"I'll tell you every day if I have to. Until you believe me."

"I do believe you." That she loves him, sure. That anyone else could, that's the harder part.

"You saw my face, you saw who I was, and you came back. Then you saw me become even more of a monster, and you stayed." What other explanation is there but that she loves him?

"No. No, you weren't..."

She moves her head to look up at him, resting her chin on his chest.

"You didn't become even more of a monster. You did what you needed to protect Charlie. To protect all of us. You embraced a part of yourself you hate to do something good. I don't see a monster when I look at you, Lucifer. I'm not even sure I ever really did."

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hisfavoriteson - 2019-08-23 00:22 (UTC) - Expand